So Soon?

Dear God,

I could have sworn that sobriety was about me not drinking anymore, about me finally being present in my own life and not getting numb and hiding. There is quite a bit of truth in that, but I am discovering that there is so much more to being sober.

For instance, feelings.

I have realized that I often have no idea what I’m feeling. When I have really strong feelings (like the intense anxiety I had at the beginning of the pandemic) they are easy to identify and I can talk about them and take action to help myself deal with them. But smaller feelings…the kind of feelings that drift under the surface without making much noise…I have no idea about those.

For instance, as I started writing this, I felt a little tightness in my chest that has moved to my face as I’ve typed these few paragraphs.  For reasons entirely unknown to me, I want to cry. When I first got sober I cried at the drop of a hat because I felt so negative about myself. I don’t feel that anymore. In fact, when I go to meetings I actually feel happy. So I have no idea why I want to cry right now. In fact, as I sit here thinking about what I’m feeling and writing about it, I feel the sensation less and less and am losing my connection to the feeling.

It seems that analyzing my feelings (instead of just sitting with them and feeling them) causes them to recede. Maybe I should try sitting with them for a minute. Give me a moment here.

Yep…those tears were right under the surface, waiting for some silence. The words that came to me in those tears were tired, scared and sad. I don’t know all of what those feelings are about, and I’m not sure I want to analyze them much because that seems to stop me from feeling my feelings. So I guess that I am just tired and scared and sad and perhaps that is enough to know at this moment. And if I let myself feel how I am tired, scared, and sad, maybe I won’t want to drink those feelings away, or eat them away. I’ve been doing that a lot lately instead of drinking. My sponsor says that I need to be patient with myself, and that as I work the steps to stay sober from alcohol I will also find it easier to have feelings without having to eat to make them go away.  This is good news, and I’m trusting that what she says will come true for me at some point. For now, pass me the cookies. NOW.

Along with feelings, I have also discovered clarity that I didn’t know was possible.

Don’t laugh, considering that I had to stop typing just a moment ago in order to get to a genuine feeling. This clarity thing has been a bit mind blowing, since some of the things I’m getting clarity on have been really difficult for me for a very long time.

I have been trying so hard to do the right things when it comes to taking care of my mom and instead, things just keep getting harder and more confusing and frustrating. Talking about it with my sponsor and my husband has helped a great deal, possibly because I am sober when these conversations happen and that means that 1) I remember the conversations the next day; and 2) my emotions and thoughts are not exacerbated or muted by alcohol. Because of this, I am beginning to see patterns in my mom’s behavior that have been there since I was a child. Recognizing those patterns and how I was taught to ignore them, accommodate them, and pretend they weren’t dysfunctional helps me make sense of my resentments towards my mother. I am also seeing how attempts to placate her are backfiring and causing more problems than they are fixing. 

I have figured out more about my relationship with my mom in the last three weeks than I have in the last five years, and I was in counseling for several months at least twice during the last five years. Not that my counselors didn’t try to help me…they did. It’s just that you can’t pour poison into your body every single night and expect your brain to be in top form the next day. I’m not judging those who still drink. Remember…alcoholics have an obsession of the mind and allergy of the body.  Alcohol is poisonous to me just like penicillin is deadly to those who are allergic to it.

Anyway…

We read this thing in meetings called the Ninth Step Promises that swears that as we work the steps, we will instinctively come to know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.  This morning as I was getting ready for work, I suddenly knew what needed to change in regards to my mother’s medical care and why it needed to change. I knew how I was going to present it to my mother, and that I had to do it in front of her neurologist. I also immediately knew that she would probably balk and be upset with me, but that I shouldn’t let that stop me from setting this boundary so that she can receive the medical care that she needs.

Boundaries upset lots of people when we set them, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set them…and I am about to set some boundaries regarding medical care with my mom. Good daughters do such things.

And there it was…suddenly I knew how to handle a situation that until that moment had utterly baffled me. And not only was I not baffled, I had a profound sense of peace about the decision. Two Ninth Step promises, come true.

I haven’t been sober very long—exactly 51 days, if we’re counting. Having said that, these moments of feelings and clarity tell me that I need to keep working on my sobriety, that I need to keep working the steps with my sponsor, and that I need to keep going to meetings.

This whole thing isn’t easy, but God…

You are doing for me what I cannot do for myself, and I am very, very grateful.

I have hope that things will get better, that things will change, and this hope that is stronger than any hope that I have had for a very long time.

I’m still dealing with Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, but I’m not dealing with self-hatred, shame, and hangovers anymore.  It’s a nice trade-off, really, and the PAWS goes away after a while. 

So here I am God, a grateful alcoholic.  Thank you for listening.