God,
I did it!
I have been so afraid of doing anything in public with other people, afraid of going to dinner with anyone other than my husband P or my kids. Basically I am afraid of doing anything that will bring me in contact with alcohol when there won’t be anyone with me who knows that I have decided to be sober. When P is with me, it’s not like I’m going to order a drink because he knows, because he was a part of my decision to stop drinking. The same thing goes for my kids.
But when I’m out with friends who have no idea, what’s to stop me from having a drink?
I mean, like, other than the memories of waking up at 3am hating myself, and the tears I cried at every meeting for the first two weeks of my sobriety, and the fact that I’m supposed to be chairing a meeting this Monday evening and you have to be sober to chair a meeting…
That’s a lot of reasons right there, but lets be real. Addicts are good at lying. Addicts are great at lying! And addicts lie to themselves and to everyone else if they think that they can get away with using their substance of choice without penalty.
I have had this dinner on my schedule for two weeks, and the whole time I’ve wondered what it would be like to sit in a fancy restaurant known for it’s wine collection and watch everyone else drink while I try to be a ‘good girl’. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I was afraid that I wouldn’t make it. I was afraid that I’d lose control. I was afraid that I’d crave alcohol like crazy and not be able to think straight.
This is what happened: We spent at least 30 minutes catching up before we even ordered the first course. We shared delicious tempura fried mushrooms with fontina cheese dip and seared scallops with green beans, cherry tomatoes, and saffron bernaise to start. I had rack of lamb with baby potatoes, and then we shared two desserts between us, and I’m still not sure which one was better.
You know what I didn’t have?
Guilt. Self-hatred.
Oh! and I also didn’t have any alcohol.
I didn’t have alcohol even when the bartender brought us expensive dessert wine on the house. I told my dining companions that drinking caused me terrible pain and suggested that they share it since it just wasn’t an option for me. They made ‘so sorry’ sounds, and then gladly shared my portion.
After dessert, I would occasionally get a waft of fortified dessert wine (meaning that there was hard liquor mixed in) from the empty glass sitting in front of me. I picked up my iced tea and held it in front of my face, and after a minute I pushed my wine glass further away so that I could set my iced tea directly in front of me.
You know what else I didn’t have?
Anything to confess to my husband when I got home. A reason to call my sponsor.
Oh! and I also didn’t have any CRAVINGS.
I didn’t have any cravings! I sat there facing an entire wall of wine racks filled with expensive wine. I caught myself trying to figure out the brands from the labels and then decided that was unwise, so I turned my attention to my companions.
And at the end of the evening I realized I enjoyed dinner, had a wonderful time with my friends, and didn’t have one stupid craving. What makes this truly amazing is it was a group of friends who are dealing with dementia in our families and who are all grieving lost family members. Everything we discussed was raw, honest, and somewhat painful…and I still didn’t have any cravings.
It’s a miracle.
I know it won’t always be like this, where I have no cravings and it’s easy to get through the event, but tonight God delivered me a beautiful craving free night that (only a few short weeks ago back in March) would have involved me drinking two or three glasses of wine during dinner, and then more after I got home to my own stash.
I am beyond grateful to you God! Thank you from the bottom of my (incredibly full and satisfied) stomach, and from the bottom of my very happy heart.
Ditching The Wine Press 