Something Has To Break

God,

I finally went and saw my doctor, and they agreed that I need some anti-depressants. I wish that I could say the lovely mood that came on when I realized I was clinically depressed lasted the six days until I saw my doctor, but it didn’t.

In fact, Sunday and Monday were absolutely awful.

It helped to have a good cry and admit to you that I was incredibly overwhelmed and exhausted, and it also helped to admit that something has to break before I do.  I keep repeating that, because it reminds me that I have choices to make, priorities to keep in mind when I am going through my day.  Until now I have tried to just keep going, to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the vain belief that I could keep all the balls in the air if I didn’t give in to the depression.

That turned out to be a lie. I can’t even think straight enough to read emails thoroughly so I don’t attend meetings that were cancelled two days ago.

Yep…I’m writing this sitting in the empty room that was supposed to be filled with my colleagues. I glanced over the email when I got it, but I was so overwhelmed that what it said didn’t register with me at all. So here I sit, alone in this room, frustrated that I left my class to attend this non-existent meeting. I was really upset about it until I realized that I should expect moment like this, moments when my depression clouds my ability to keep up with my own schedule.

This must be one of the things that needed to break.

I kept repeating ‘Something needs to break before I do’ all day Monday, even as I got multiple requests for appointments. I even got a text from a previous client asking to get back on my schedule. 

I turned everyone down. Even though people are not ‘things’ to be broken, I cannot be everyone’s solution. It’s not like you aren’t on top of everyone else’s needs, God…so I don’t have to be on-point, ready to service the world.  Things need to break before I do, and one thing that needs to break is my sense that I should always be available to help. I am not available to take any more clients for as long as it takes for me to be okay again… and maybe for a little while after that just to make sure that I’ve got my footing. I’m going to have to trust that you have those folks in your palm and are taking care of them, because I can’t take care them.

Then I went to the 12 step meeting that I ended up chairing when the actual chair disappeared. I worry about her safety, but everyone else says that she ‘went out’ (meaning that she started drinking again.) I don’t know why that’s supposed to be less alarming than the potential that something terrible happened to her, but the other folks in AA are not concerned, so I am leaving her in your hands and letting go of my concerns. Anyway…I got to the meeting that I am chairing and discovered that we will be rotating to new meeting chairs at the end of June.

I call this God doing things for me that I cannot do for myself. Pulled that meeting right out of my hands, didn’t you?  Thank you!  I decided to attend the workshop that teaches us how to chair meetings (it might be nice to know what I’m doing) and also decided not to sign up to chair a meeting for at least three months.  If you are going to pull something out of my hands, I am going to let you take it.

I’ll be honest…I don’t like feeling this messed up. I don’t like crying myself to sleep. I don’t like feeling overwhelmed. I don’t like not being up to my normal standard of performance.

This is the part where I have to accept life on life’s terms. Sometimes I will be sick. Sometimes I will be ‘not okay’ and I won’t be able to be as on top of things as I’d like. Sometimes I will have to ask for others to be patient with me and maybe even to forgive my failures.  Maybe I need to ask myself to be patient with me and to forgive my failures. Can you help me do that?

Actually, I don’t know all of what I’m going to have to do to get to the point where I’m better. All I know is that I am doing my best to do the footwork and do the next right thing. The rest I’m going to have to leave in your hands.

Please keep doing for me the things I cannot do for myself, and I will do my best to do your will, albeit slowly and with some difficulty at times. I’m guessing that you are good with that.

Thanks for listening!